We just got back from a week in Georgia. We had a great visit with Casey’s family, even though I didn’t take a single picture, and then I had the wonderful opportunity to spend the weekend at the Created for Care Retreat.

The instant I heard about the retreat last fall, I knew this was for me. A special weekend for adoptive moms sounded like exactly what I needed. It’s no secret that the last six months have been quite challenging for us. I felt like I was living my life in a dry, lonely place, and just the thought of a retreat with other women on this same road was like water to my soul.
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First, I have to say that I have been absolutely blown away by the responses I have gotten to my last post. It seems like every time I’ve opened my inbox I have had new blog comments, e-mails, or Facebook messages. Thank you. I don’t feel nearly so alone now.

Some of you have poured your hearts out about your own wrestling, about your own discomfort with being too comfortable. Others have echoed the loneliness that comes with being led in this direction and the great desire for community with people that are hearing the same call. A few friends have shared with me that they are seriously considering adoption for the first time and that they are wrestling with the when, what, where, and how of that decision. Some have shared the lack of support and even downright discouraging comments they’ve received from friends and family regarding their own adoption plans. In all of this, I see God at work; I see Him calling us to something better, and I am so glad that He is whispering these things to others as well.

So . . . where do we, the Picker family, go from here? Well, I still see a lot of wrestling in our future, and I know that God can use that to refine us. I wish that I could say that God spoke to me last night and told me to sell our house and move to Africa. That hasn’t happened, and I don’t know if it will. I am praying that we will be listening to what He calls us to, and that when He calls our answer will always be, “[We are] the Lord’s servant[s] . . . may it be to [us] as you have said” (Luke 1:38).

For right now, I feel like God has made it clear to me that I need to let go of some STUFF. So, I’m starting with what is a somewhat small but still significant step for me: I’m going to sell my wedding china . . . and crystal. I know, GASP! And now that I’ve posted on our blog, it isn’t just an idea that I can put aside; now I have to do it.

It really isn’t that big of a deal. It’s nice and I think it’s pretty, but in the nearly nine years that we’ve been married, I’ve only used it a few times. I keep thinking that when my kids are grown we’ll use it more. But, you know what, that’s silly. It is money sitting in my cabinets that could be doing much better things. It could feed hungry children, or help pay someone’s adoption expenses, or help to drill a well . . . or a million other good things. So, I’m selling it. I’ve also thought that my daughter might be disappointed to not inherit it someday; but my prayer is that my daughter will be the kind of woman who does not treasure things above people, the kind of woman who would rather provide food for hungry people in her country than inherit a bunch of old plates.

So, off it goes. I’m not exactly sure what we’ll do with the money. We’ve got lots of good options, and I’ll let you know. For right now, I’ve got to figure out how one sells china and crystal, and if mine is even worth anything.

I think that is where God is leading us right now . . . some kind of action. Yes, the wrestling will continue, and no, we may never have all of the answers, but when He shows us something to do, even something little, we need to do it.

This post has been running loops in my head and my heart for over a year now. And I have hesitated. I have hesitated because I do not have the answers, and I don’t want to be judgmental. I don’t want this to come out of pride, because I know that I too have failed, and continue to fail, miserably in this area. But at the same time, my heart is aching, and I can’t ignore it any longer.

There’s a battle going on in my head, a wrestling match happening in my heart. And I can’t work it out; I can’t reconcile the things I’ve seen and the things I know.

I cannot reconcile our enormous houses and fancy cars with her face:

I cannot reconcile the fact that we have basketball courts and softball fields at our churches and there are 145 MILLION orphans in the world.

I cannot reconcile the fact that while we’re piling up money for our kids’ college funds, these kids are going without food.

I cannot reconcile the dozens and dozens of people who have told us, “We’re not called to adoption,” when God’s word clearly CALLS each of us to care for orphans.

I cannot reconcile “The American Dream” with this:

“And Jesus, looking at him, loved him, and said to him, “You lack one thing: go, sell all that you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me.” Mark 10:21

We turn and look the other way; we do not want to hear it. It is too painful for us to learn about their suffering. And they die of treatable diseases while we pick out new furniture. They starve to death while food rots in our pantries.

And as I said, I don’t have the answers . . . I’m just wrestling. We have a nice house full of stuff too, and I’m not sure what God wants us to do with it. But sometimes I’m afraid that my life, our lives, look too much like Sodom:

“Behold, this was the guilt of your sister Sodom: she and her daughters had pride, excess of food, and prosperous ease, but did not aid the poor and needy.” Ezekiel 16:49

“Prosperous ease” . . . it sounds so familiar that it makes me sick to my stomach.

What I really want are friends and family who are willing to walk this journey with us, fellow believers who aren’t scared of this conversation. Somebody who won’t say, “Well, that’s great for y’all, BUT . . .”

We have beautiful friends all over the country who are walking this path too, in places like California, Oregon, Florida, Missouri, and sometimes I feel so lonely for them. Sometimes I just want to be with someone who “gets it.” Sometimes I just want to have coffee with someone who has the same passion that is burning me up inside. Sometimes I feel very isolated, like I have a secret that no one else understands.

Please don’t be offended if you are part of our community of friends and you feel like I’m leaving you out. Are you on this journey too? If so, we need you! We need you to wrestle over this with us. Are you interested? Has God been whispering something similar to your heart? Please let us know. We can’t figure this one out on our own.